Monday, December 01, 2008
I am popular
Maybe this should be my new mantra. Maybe not.
I am not popular.
I am the furthest thing from popular.
I seem to be the anti-friend.
Up until recently, this was okay with me. I have my family, a few close friends and that was enough. Up until I discovered Facebook and the profile counter on my blog I was almost unaware of my status. I am a social 'tard. As funny (and equally lame) as it may sound, I am crying a little on the inside. Maybe I should care less about the numbers. Maybe most of those numbers are empty.
The thing is, I feel like I am in a horrible version of my former life. I am in middle school (or high school) trying to make friends. Not because I need them (although, I know I do), but because Lola needs friends. If I don't put myself out there with other moms, I am hurting her social growth. How Effed UP!
I really hate making small talk. I hate it with the fire of a thousand suns! I wish there was a way to skip that part. I know I don't want to know what you made your kid for lunch, so why would someone else want to hear that about my life. I am a simpleton. I am a housewife. I am a mother. Big effing deal. I shouldn't waste time talking about the ordinary and mundane. Truthfully, aside from occasional loneliness, I would make a great hermit.
Anyway, this is not a good way to live, and I want better for my daughter. I need to make mom friends. I need friends who live locally and have children of the same age. I need to fit in, and I don't know how. The other day at the beach there was the little girl Lola was playing in the water with. So, being the good mother that I am, I was in the water watching her and trying to talk to the other mother. Her friends showed up and there was a small group of us girls. I thought I was doing well, but Later that evening my mom said that I looked like I was 5. Like I was on the outside of the circle looking in. Great! Not only do I feel this way, but people can see it with their eyes.
Lola is in the HIPPY group and that has been great for her. Another mom told me about another playgroup that is closer to my house. I said I was interested and she says, "well, we already have 18 or so people. I will have to ask if it is okay." So... I don't know how I should feel about that. The next week she said that she talked to the group, and a few of them would like to just meet Lola and I at the beach to see if we would work with the group. I have to go to an awkward "social Interview" to see if I am chill enough for these moms to let their kids hang out with my kid.
Nobody told me this was going to happen. I think this is the hardest thing I will have to learn as a mother. I wish I could crawl in a hole and die.
ps this is not a "POOR ME" post. This is the "I AM SCARED TO DEATH OF PEOPLE, BUT MY DAUGHTER'S GROWTH DEPENDS ON ME TALKING TO PEOPLE" post. What an effing pickle!
Posted by Ashes